first moments

consider the first few moments of a new life.
She has never felt the sharp coolness of air as it touches her downy skin.
She hears brutal sounds for the first time as she emerges from her muffled surroundings.
Bright lights widen her pupils a shock to the eyes that have never focused before.
She no longer smells the sweet scent of her amniotic pillow, instead antiseptic aroma is inhaled.
Someone clears her mouth and throat with a not so gentle motion, the taste of the instruments nothing like her mothers milk.
How exposed that naked body is to the harsh reality of the world she is now living in. No longer safe in the only surroundings she was used to. This vulnerability is at worst interminable and at best momentary.
Adults can be exposed in the same way and it can feel just as harsh as the first time when it does happen.
Consider how the new little one feels after all that happens. Scared would be my perspective but her fear is dampened by the warmth of a towel or blanket taken from a warmer and swiftly wrapped around her so she can be handed to her mother for the first time. Think how that soft blanket feels on her skin which has never felt this kind of warmth.
Fast forward 35 years.
The girl became a woman and she found herself exposed to the harsh reality of the world she was living in. No longer safe in the surroundings she was used to. Luckily the vulnerability was momentary.
Fear was dampened not by the warmth of a towel or blanket but by the arms of an amazing man. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt that warmth immediately. I recognized it as the love I had been searching for that I had not been able to find. That touch I hadn’t felt since the first time I was swaddled in a blanket, surrounded me and I finally felt at home and at peace the way I imagine we all felt before birth.
Dean I love you and I love the way I feel when you wrap your arms around me.
SOULMATE

a memorable moment

looking back on the changes of the last year has really caused me to reflect on a lot of things. every year i sit and take some time just to reflect on changes that have happened in the last 365 days and i take time to think about what my goals are for the next year. this year though i have been reflecting a lot longer than i usually do. maybe cause my marraige ended. maybe cause dean got so sick and mortality stared us both in the face. perhaps it has to do with the fact that i gave up a career on a whim and took a entry level job. maybe its cause i was a single mother for the first time. maybe it was having my own apartment and my own responsibility for the first time in my life.
i don't know what has me so reflective but i know that it sure has given me a case of writers block.
when i try to put my feelings, my emotions to print it stops flowing. the words become a jumble in my mind and what i put to the screen makes no sense at all. hell even this sounds like rambling.
i wanted to start this looking back on the last year but it all became details not the story it should have been. so i tried to leave out details and just talk about the people who have made an impact on my life and i realized in just a few minutes of typing that i was going to leave someone out and if i didn't leave them out then what i would say would either be too little or too much.
the last year has been filled with so many changes for me and all of them as hard as they may have been to go through have led to one thing.
my happiness.
i am happier today than i remember being in a very long time. i have more patience and i am more tolerant. i am willing to accept differences in opinions easier. i am enjoying having a house full of children. i look forward to coming home from work everyday to spend time with dean. even housework and cooking have a pleasurable effect on my moods.
its really quite amazing that all this happiness started in a chat room almost 2 years ago. a simple pm between two adults both looking for something missing in their current relationships. hours later a connection started that led to where we are now.
the last year was filled with so many ups and downs for both dean and i the biggest of course being dean's diagnosis of leukemia. we have made it this far though and we are hopeful that we can continue with no further setbacks.
i am reminded of oil and vingear when i think about dean and i. we are two very seperate personalities who have different opinions and different behavious. we disagree about how to do almost everything but we are both so stubborn that one of us always has to give in to the other. dean loves to push and poke at my buttons till the brink of my own destruction then grabs me pulls me close and softly whispers how much he loves me in my ear. i love to give him as hard a time as he gives me. glaring at him when he makes his smart ass comments or cracks a joke at my expense. it is always in jest and is one of my favorite parts of our relationship.
when you mix oil and vinegar together you get a fantastic combination. now i am not saying we taste like salad dressing but we sure make a good combination when mixed together. we laugh together. sometimes cry together. we parent each others children as equals as best we can. and we work well together as a team.
i love this man and all he has to offer me. when it comes to him i am very selfish and want him all to myself. i do not want to share him with anyone but our children and our families. he is truly my best friend, the one man i can tell anything to and though i know it may give him reason to pick on me later or to laugh at me immediately he doesn't judge me for my mistakes, my flaws. i want to always be his caregiver taking care of his every need and want. when he is feeling sick or low i want to do everything i can to make him feel better about his health and about himself. he gives me confidence and reminds me that i can do anything i put my mind and effort into.
dean's last blog had me in tears when i read it. not only does it show how much he cares about me and loves me but it touched on a moment in our relationship which will always bring the emotion of how much i love him to the front of my mind.
the night dean was diagnosed with leukemia we were on the phone and had been talking about anything but what his blood tests would reveal. his other line clicked and he went to take the call. the words he said through his tears when he came back will haunt me for the rest of my life. "i have leukemia i have a 50/50 chance and i need to go make arrangements for the kids and head to the hospital, I love you" click.
i didn't know when i would hear from him again. if i would see him again. where he would be going for treatment. it was a long night.
i called his mom at 10pm or so and found out he was admitted to rih and that was all she could tell me except to add that i should really consider moving on in my life cause this was most likely the end of what was just beginning.
it was a long long night.
morning brought no relief. i automated my way through school prep and daycare drop off. drove to work tears streaming down my face the whole way. got nothing done all morning as i waited so impatiently for some kind of news. finally out of desperation i called the hospital. i had just missed him he was on his way to vancouver by ambulance.
i did what i could to keep busy but it was futile and soon i was off shopping for books and getting dean what he might need while he was in the hospital. rolls of quarters for the pay phone. calling to ensure he had all the things he might need from home shipped down to him as soon as we could arrange it.
i headed to the hospital about 2:30 pm hoping i would arrive before he did. sitting in the emergency room after checking to be sure he wasn't already admitted i was so scared. every ambulance that came in i expected him to be in it. people wheeled out on stretchers into the triage area hooked up to wires and iv bags. i really didn't know what to expect. would dean be on a stretcher. would he be hooked up on these machines too? i had been at his house only 4 days before and he was ok. bruised yes, tired definately, but he was walking on his own, he was not ill per say.
the 12th or 15th ambulance rolled in and the side door opened. first i saw his hockey bag, then i saw him stepping down from the van. then i felt total relief as i saw his tired weary face light up for just a moment when he saw me. i couldn't get to him fast enough. the hug he gave me spoke of his fear and his relief that i was there. my hug back told him i would always be here for him no matter what the obstacle. we shared tears and then started the journey into chemo, blood diseases, immunity, and so much more.
that moment defined us as a couple. we both agree that is the most memorable moment of this relationship thus far. it wasn't romantic. it wasn't flowers, candy or jewellry. it was in a very odd way, pure happiness of being able to be together.
i truely love this man more than anything.